Hogwarts Meets FanFictionNet!
by SassyBird
Summary: {Complete} What would happen if a laptop computer infiltrated Hogwarts and the students found FF.net on Google? Rated PG for mild, (mostly implied) slash, high levels of insanity and subtle doses of sarcasm. Flames are welcome!
1. Part I

**HOGWARTS MEETS FF.NET**

**Disclaimer: ****I am not J.K Rowling, Warners Bros. or a publishing company, and I am in no way affiliated with the aforementioned people or businesses. I do not own the world, the characters or the plot. (I have no idea who owns the plot, but I know I've seen the idea before.) I am not out to offend anyone, merely poking a bit of good-humored fun at various things. Some of the stories mentioned in this fic are real, and I suggest you read them, as they're very good. The more outrageous ones are not real and any resemblance to a real fic or person's author name is unintentional. Flame me if you want, I'll use them to hatch my baby dragon, soon to be named Sheila. And I could do with a laugh.  **

Harry, Ron and Hermione were sitting in the Gryffindor Common Room, doing homework, on a Saturday. Harry and Ron did not _want_ to be doing homework on a Saturday, but Hermione had threatened to slip an uninhibited Truth Potion into their pumpkin juice at lunch if they didn't. Of course, the two boys had opted for doing homework rather than blurt out their secrets for the whole school to gossip about, because they had no doubt that Hermione could and would carry out her threat.

            "Ugh! This potions essay is ridiculously long! How am I supposed to write _four_ _feet on antidotes in two days?" Ron demanded. _

            He received no answer beyond a shrug from Harry and a raised eyebrow from Hermione. Ron rolled his eyes and returned to his work, heaving a tremendously exaggerated sigh as he did so. The trio worked on in silence for another fifteen minutes until an explosion from the corner behind them caused them all to jump.

            "Fred! Quit the racket! I'm trying to study!"

            Fred looked up from what he and his twin were messing with, carefully hidden behind their backs, and cooed, "Ooo, ickle Ronniekins is studying! His girlfriend's a bad influence on him."

            The tips of Ron's ears went red and he muttered, "Oh, be quiet!"

            Hermione opened her mouth to give some scathing remark, by was interrupted by Colin Creevy bursting through the portrait hole, yelling excitedly. 

"Harry, Hermione, look what I've got!" He held up a flat, black object. Harry looked puzzled, Ron looked clueless and Hermione appeared no less bewildered.

"Colin, what use is that? It won't work."

"Yes it will," he replied, eagerly. "Professor Flitwick managed to charm it somehow so that it does! I don't know how."

"But why," asked Hermione, "would he let you have a laptop computer, even if it does work?"

"Because my mum was upset about all the owls. I don't know exactly why. She said something about eating us out of house and home. I only send a few every day…" Colin trailed off, frowning. "Well anyway, they thought it might work better if I used e-mail, so they sent me a laptop. They didn't know it wouldn't work, but Professor Flitwick and the Muggle Studies professor got it to work." 

Ron asked, "What is a laptop, a computer, e-mail, and why wouldn't it work?"

Hermione rolled her eyes in exasperation and sighed. "Muggle objects don't work because of all the magic in the atmosphere. I've told you this before. E-mail is a way to send written messages without using post, owl or otherwise. A laptop is a computer and a computer is the thing that sends the messages. Satisfied?"

Ron obviously was not satisfied, but he nodded anyway. "How does it work?"

"Simple," replied Colin. "You just open it up and use the button in the middle to move the arrow around and click on what you want."

"Cool. Can you show us?"

Colin nodded and plopped down on the couch. Fred and George had joined them and were looking over the back of the sofa at the computer screen.

"Whoa! That's Harry!" So it was. The desktop was a large picture of Harry about to catch the snitch. 

"Where'd you find that?" asked George, awed by Colin's devotion to his hero.

"Oh," said Colin airily, "I found it. There are lots. I like this one best though, don't you?"

Harry looked uncomfortable at the idea that there were lots of pictures of him floating around in the Muggle world. "Er, do you mean Muggles know about me and Voldemort and everything?"

Colin blinked. "Oh, yes, but they think you're only in a book. By some Rowling person."

Ron looked intrigued. "Rolling person? What's that?"

Hermione slapped his hand, irritably. "Not rolling, Rowling! Stop being such an idiot!" Ron, offended, opened his mouth to retort that he was not being an idiot and he just wanted to know if it was some insane thing Muggles did or made, but Harry cut him off.

"Where exactly are all these pictures?"

"I'll show you," said Colin, cheerfully, seeming not to notice the identical smirks that the twins were exchanging in response to the glares that Ron and Hermione were sending each other, or the worried, embarrassed look on Harry's face. Colin clicked around and pressed some of the letters on the bottom panel of the 'laptop computer' and clicked around some more until he proudly displayed wallpaper after wallpaper. Some had just Harry on them and some just Ron. Ron was thrilled to find his own face plastered over the screen. There were also ones of Hermione, Draco Malfoy, ("Why in the world would anyone want to see **_his_ face plastered all over their computer!") and Tom Riddle. ("That's just freaky!") Then there were combinations. Even Ginny had a few.**

"That's really neat, Colin! Is this the only stuff about us on this thing?"

Colin frowned. "Not sure. Let's find out." He pressed some more keys, click around some more and then said, "Nope. There's lot's more."

There were lines upon lines of purple letters that seemed to take you somewhere else.

"Look!" exclaimed Hermione, "There are stories!" She pointed to a line that said, FanFiction.net. 

"Weird. I wonder what's there."

"Well—" said George.

"—the best way—" said Fred.

"—to find out—" said George.

"—is to try it," finished Fred.

"Alright," Colin agreed, "we'll see what happens."

He clicked. There was a collective gasp. Silence for a moment, then, "That's a lot of stories," stated Hermione, her eyes wide. 

"Yes," agreed Harry. "Should we read one?"

"Alright," answered Ron readily, "that ought to be interesting—to see what Muggles have to say about us."

"Hmm…How about this one?" Colin asked, his mouse arrow on one called, 'Back to the Burrow'. "It looks interesting. It has Ron and Hermione in it."

Ron squinted at the genre: romance/general. "Er, maybe that wouldn't be—" But Colin had already clicked on it. They read it, Hermione blushing furiously; Ron staring at the screen, wide-eyed; Harry chuckling uncontrollably; and Fred and George teasing Ron practically every two paragraphs.

When they finished, Ron burst out, "But that never happened! You never—never—" 

"Kissed you," filled in George matter-of-factly.

"But you wish she did," added Fred, snickering.

Ron went scarlet. "I do—"

"Oh, hush!" said Harry, flatly. "What's the use of fighting?" He grinned wickedly. "If you keep on doing that, I'll make you kiss and make up."

"Kiss and make out, you mean," muttered George under his breath, but no one heard him, which was probably a good thing.

Suddenly, Ron's watch began beeping madly. 

"Hey Harry, we're late for the Quidditch match, Hufflepuff vs. Ravenclaw. You wanted to see that, right?"

Harry looked up, alarmed. "Yeah, I want to see that. I need to know what the new Ravenclaw Seeker can do. Let's go. You coming, Colin? Hermione?"

Hermione stood up. "No, I need to go to the library to look something up. It's not in any of the books I have now. If I finish before the match is over I'll come find you, okay?"

"Alright. Colin?"

"Oh, I'll come with you, if you don't mind," said Colin, strangely shy. "Is that okay?"

"Sure, that's fine. Come on!"

With that, Ron, Harry, Hermione and Colin left the common room leaving Fred and George behind with the computer.

"What do you think, George? Reckon we ought to find more embarrassing stories about ickle Ronnie and his girl-friend?"

George grinned. "You bet!" With that, George began attempting to set up a search that would give them more Ron/Hermione stories.

"How in Merlin's name did Colin maneuver this thing so easily? I can't get it to go where I want it to!"

"Here," said Fred, "I'll do it!" He took over the arrow. "Let's see…genre: romance…reckon we ought to find a really hot and heavy one?"

George looked sick. "No, that's just gross! I mean, come on! They're not even eighteen! Keep it PG to PG-13."

"Okay, will do. Now, characters…Hey, George! Looky! We're on there."

"Sweet! Click on it!"

"Alright, here goes."

"Let's not look at the summary first, let's just click the one at the top."

"Alright, fine by me."

Fred clicked. Quickly closing his eyes, he pressed the button and opened the story at the top. 

When he opened his eyes again, this is what he saw:

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**Slave4U**

GUESS WHO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YUP ITS ME, FrEaKyPlOtBuNnY!!!! THIS IS MY 1ST F/G AND I HOP U LIKE IT!!!!!!!! R/R OR ILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND HEX U TO THE MOON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gred and Forge were on a bed. " Baby, lets make out, K?" said fred. So Fres and Jorge smacked there **** **(censored, as this is PG)** together and *** ***** ***** ****** for a long *****. "I WANT ***** **** **** ******* *** ** * ***********," sade Vred. "MHkay," saed Georje. And that's how **** **** ****** ***!

SO, WADDYA THINK??????!!!!!!! GOOD, HUH!!!!!!!!!! I LUV F/G THEIR SUCH A CUTE COUPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! R/R PLZ!!!!!!! J 

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The real Fred and George looked at each other in complete horror. 

"I DO NOT LIKE YOU THAT WAY!" screamed George. "GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU TWISTED PERVERT!"

"_YOU GET __OUT OF GRYFFINDOR TOWER! I'M _NOT_ SLEEPING ANYWHERE NEAR YOU!! I'M GOING TO GO GET McGONAGALL!" bellowed Fred._

"FINE THEN, GO, AND I'LL MAKE SURE YOU DO!" With that, George grabbed the laptop out of his twin's hands and began thwacking him over the head with it. Fred ran for the portrait hole, his hands over his head, still shouting, "Twisted pervert," and "Disgusting slimeball," at the top of his lungs. 

They ran into the Library and began darting through the rows of books, knocking some off the neatly organized shelves. Madam Pince, the librarian, chattered at them furiously, and joined in the chase, beating the both of them around any portion of their anatomy she could reach, shouting, "Out, out, out!" the whole while.

The twins eventually found their way out of the Library and continued running down the halls. Fred darted around a corner and rested against the wall, panting heavily. The footsteps of his pursuer echoed in the passage he had just quitted. He needed a hiding place, and fast! Looking about frantically, Fred spotted a closet in the wall a few paces away. _That'll do,_ he thought. He threw open the door and threw himself inside, just as George turned the corner. To his horror, however, Fred was not alone. Instead of falling on cleaning supplies, as he had expected, he had landed on arms and legs. The heads attached to the arms and legs both uttered a sharp, loud shriek. The door opened, and in the light, Fred got a brief glimpse of two half-dressed seventh years before he saw stars as George hit him on the head with the laptop he still carried. Fred got to his feet and pushed past George, running down the halls again.

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George chased Fred all over the castle, until finally, after having run down into the dungeons, they hit a solid object and landed, side by side, at the feet of—

"Professor Snape!" 

"Yes indeed," answered Snape, coldly. "And why, may I ask, are two Gryffindors such as yourselves in the dungeons when there's a Quidditch match?"

"We—"

"He—"

The twins glanced at each other in consternation, their quarrel temporarily forgotten. They got to their feet and unconsciously scooted closer to one another, muttering poor excuses all the while.

"Yes?" prodded Snape, still glaring cold fire at the two delinquents. Fred, a little in front of George, turned his head to look over his shoulder at his twin. George leaned forward in the same moment, trying to get Fred to look at him. Their lips met. Both of them immediately pulled back, sputtering incoherently. They stood there for a split second, frozen, then pelted off in opposite directions, leaving the computer to its fate, screaming blood murder.

Snape frowned, looking first one way, then another, wondering what in Merlin's name had gotten into the two redheaded rascals. He shrugged it off and bent to examine the object they had dropped. It was shut. The Potions Master picked it up, concealed it under his billowing black robes, and strode off in the direction of his office. Once there, he proceeded to examine the thing closely. He quickly discovered how to open it, and when he did, he squinted at the screen, trying to make sense out of what he beheld. At the top of the page was a blue line of letters. They said:

Enemies Make the Best Lovers

Severus Snape believes in holding grudges. What will happen when he falls for the person he's despised for years? Will 'hate with a passion' become 'love with a passion'? SS/RL

_Well, well, well, what will they think of next?_ Snape marveled inwardly. _I wonder what sort of thing those two troublemakers have cooked up now. What is the 'SS/RL' all about? Hmm. There's only one way to find out…._ He maneuvered the arrow onto the link, and clicked.

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**Enemies Make the Best Lovers**

**By: Charlotte's Grace**

Severus Snape looked out of his bedroom window. The moon shone through it, sending silvery beams of liquid light cascading over his desk onto the floor. It was nearly full. _Three more days_, he thought sadly, _three more days until his next transformation. Poor Remus…it's not fair! Why did he have to be bitten? Ah well, he'll be here soon, and we'll be together, for a little while…_

The Potions Master sighed as he thought of his lover, the former Defense teacher at Hogwarts. Sighed longingly as he thought of those gorgeous, emotional, slate-gray eyes that were so soft and loving when they rested on him; sighed dreamily as he thought of the soft, gray-flecked brown hair that smelled so marvelous; sighed as he thought of the wonderful sensation of his lover's lips against his. He wouldn't have to wait long—he'd be here any moment now.

Sure enough, less than five minutes later, there was whoosh, and green flames appeared in the fireplace, a shadowed figure just visible inside them. A second later, Remus Lupin stepped out into the room, shaking ash out of his lovely, gray-streaked chocolate hair.

"Remus, love!" Severus stood up, moving to embrace his significant other. 

The werewolf returned the embrace with as much passion as it was given. "Severus. Oh, how I've missed you! Three days is too long!"

"Yes, well, duty calls. But we have all this night before us…let's make the most of it!"

Severus led Remus to the bed, pushing him gently, but firmly, onto it. They *****************************************************************************************. **(The rest of this fic has been edited by the BSD (Bad Smut Deleter.)**

Review, please!

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The real Snape stared at the computer screen in shock for nearly three minutes. Suddenly, he snarled viscously. He got up so fast, that he knocked the chair over. He didn't bother to pick it up again. He strode over of the fireplace, took a handful of Floo Powder and put it in his pocket, took another handful, threw it violently into the fire, and stepped in, shouting, "Lupin's Lodge!"

Strange fireplaces began whirling before Snape's eyes, but all he saw was red. When he got his hands on Lupin he was going to…. Snape stumbled out of the fireplace into the living room of Lupin's house. It was shabby, but welcoming, like its owner. Though the carpet was worn and the curtains threadbare and moth-eaten, the room was fairly clean and neatly organized. A couple of books lay open on the coffee table, and there was a vase of wildflowers next to the lamp on the table at the end of the sofa. The living room itself was empty, but a clatter of china coming from the kitchen betrayed the whereabouts of the resident werewolf. 

            "LUPIN," thundered Snape, "WHAT HAVE YOU AND BLACK DONE NOW!"

Remus came out of the kitchen, a cup of tea in his hands, and a look of mild surprise on his face. "Why Severus, what an unexpected pleasure."

"Don't waste time on formalities, werewolf!" growled Snape. Remus stiffened slightly at the mention of his lycanthropy and his eyes took on a more guarded appearance, though he still maintained a look of outward composure. "Now," continued Snape, harshly, "I know you or Black had something to do with this, and I want it clearly understood that I am as straight as a rod, and I don't want rumors of this getting out. My life at Hogwarts would be far worse than it is now if this story ever got out. Your personal feelings toward me may be whatever you want, but I do not return any of your affections!"

Remus stared at Snape in bewilderment. "What _are_ you talking about, Severus? Are you sure you're feeling well? Would you like some tea? There's plenty."

"I'm talking," said Snape, "about this." He slammed the laptop down onto the coffee table. "It is disgusting, and I would thank you to keep your nose out of other people's affairs."

"Severus, I still don't understand. What affairs?"

"NOT YOURS!" roared Snape. "I do not, and never will, feel anything for you romantically, got it?"

With that statement, Snape spun around, threw more of the sparkling powder onto the flames, and Flooed back to Hogwarts.

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Remus stood there, blinking rapidly, for a long moment, then picked up the laptop from where it had been thrown down, and returned to the kitchen. There, he sat down at the table, and opened it, wondering what in the Merlin's name had gotten into the Potions Master. He looked at the screen. One title caught his eye, and he clicked on it.

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**The Dog & The Stag**

**BY:** Vanilla-I-Scream

"James?"

"Yeah, Sirius?"

"I—I have something to tell you."

"Well then, spit it out, Padfoot!" James grinned.

"Can we—go outside? Away from people?" asked Sirius awkwardly.

James frowned. "If you wanna, sure." Sirius grabbed James' hand and led him off the dance floor. He headed for the lake. When he and James got there, he sat down.

"James…I—I—"

James looked fondly at the boy opposite him. "Come _on_, Padfoot, say what you're gonna say—it must be important, since you dragged me all the way out here for it!"

"Iloveyou!" said Sirius, very fast.

"What?"

"I love you," repeated Sirius, slower this time. James stared at him in silence. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have tol—" Sirius was cut off by James. 

"Padfoot…" 

"Yeah?" 

"Shut up and kiss me!"

**(Editor's note: Sirius and James begin making out passionately, and it is described in disgusting detail. Soon, they go beyond that—way beyond. Let it suffice to say that Remus was shocked.)**

Remember to review—I love you guys!

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Remus stared at the computer screen in horror. Then he grabbed the laptop and ran at top speed to Sirius' room, where the escaped convict was still sleeping.

"Sirius! I thought you were straight!"

Sirius sat bolt upright in bed staring wide-eyed at Remus, a look of panic on his face. "Who says I'm not?" He demanded loudly.

"This!" Remus shoved the laptop at him. "And let me tell you, if I knew what you really were, there is no way I would have associated with you—I'm not _that_ desperate for company! Did Lily know about your relationship? That's completely disgusting! You'll have to fix your own breakfast!" That having been said, Remus stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind him so hard, that the picture on the wall opposite shook.

Sirius, eyesight bleary from sleep, picked up the laptop from where it was lying on the diamond-patterned quilt which covered his bed. 

_What in Merlin's name has gotten into Moony,_ wondered Sirius. _What does Lily have to do with my being great or not?_ _Hmm…He said that this was the thing that said I wasn't great…As long as it doesn't say, 'Sirius sucks,' in big green letters, I'll be fine._ Sirius opened the laptop and looked at it. At the top of the screen were the words:

**The Loin and the Snak **(aka, The Lion and the Snake, ed.)****

SLASH: D/H ………..U no me….…im the FrEaKyPlOtBuNnYs sister! My 5th D/H and ive been told its good so…….R&R! Sorry, im sucky at riting summerys and my speling is aweful……

            _Weird_, thought Sirius. He clicked on the link.

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            Draco and Hary were in the Astranimy Tower, having a good old-fasioned songfest……….. "i luv u, Hary……." "i luv u 2, draco………." "Hary?"

"Yah, Luv?" 

"I need to tel u somthing………."

"wel, wat is it?"

"im dying"

"wat??!!! Thats not posable! Wat do u mean, ur dying?"

"A poison. U remeber how I made you drink ou tof my goblet at the youll Bal?"

"Yea………"

Their was pison is it………."

"No………" 

"Yes….."

"u can't dy, draco, I luv yu!"

"I no……..

Draco trys to say somthing………but the pison was 2 strong…..Hary started crying……….. Draco died…….. Hary cried {hay, it rimes!} Tehn he took out a nife……. "lifes not werth living n e more……….." The bludd was the las thing hary saw as he died 2……

R&R as alwas………. 

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After Sirius had deciphered and translated the strange language the thing was written in, he stared at the screen, horrified. _My godson is making out with the Malfoy brat?! Dumbledore must be slacking on the job!_ Sirius leapt out of bed and hurriedly dressed. When he finished, he grabbed the laptop and ran into the living room. Once there, he grabbed a handful of Floo Powder from the open sack on the mantel piece, and threw it in the fire. Swiftly, he followed it, shouting, "Hogwarts Castle!" as he stepped into the dancing green flames.

To be continued, perhaps….


	2. Part II

**HOGWARTS MEETS FF.NET: Part II**

**Disclaimer: ****I am not J.K Rowling, Warners Bros. or a publishing company, and I am in no way affiliated with the aforementioned people or businesses. I do not own the world, the characters or the plot. (I have no idea who owns the plot, but I know I've seen the idea before.) I am not out to offend anyone, merely poking a bit of good-humored fun at various things. Some of the stories mentioned in this fic are real, and I suggest you read them, as they're very good. The more outrageous ones are not real and any resemblance to a real fic or person's author name is unintentional. Flame me if you want, I'll use them to hatch my baby dragon, soon to be named Sheila. And I could do with a laugh. Does anyone actually _read_ these things?**

"Wow, Harry, that girl, what's her name?"

"White, Ron, Maria White."

"Yeah, well, she's good!"

"But," put in Colin, "_not_ as good as Harry. Remember that, Ron."

"Yes, but still…."

The Trio, plus Colin Creevy, was returning to their Common Room, discussing the Quidditch match they had just witnessed. White, the new Ravenclaw Seeker, was indeed quite good, and she also had a Firebolt. Her family was very wealthy, even if they were Muggles, and Maria White was in her third year at Hogwarts. Hermione had shown up in time to see the second half of the match, but the game hadn't lasted long—White had caught the snitch in record time. Suddenly Hermione stopped and began staring fixedly at the base of a statue of a sphinx.

"Colin, isn't that your laptop?"

Colin walked over to the statue and picked it up. "Yeah, it is. I wonder how it got here. I thought I left it in the Common Room."

Harry glanced at Ron, nervously. "Umm…Colin? I think you left it with Fred and George."

"Oh no," exclaimed Hermione. "You'd better see if they've done anything to it. Er, be careful opening it though, we wouldn't want it exploding or anything like that…."

Colin nodded his head violently as he agreed. "Definitely not!"

Harry, Ron and Hermione follow him over to the statue and sat down. Colin cautiously opened the Muggle device, holding it far away from him, an expression of extreme apprehension on his features. Nothing happened. The foursome breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank goodness," Colin said, gratefully. Then he perked up. "I say, we never did see if there are any stories about Harry!"

"Colin, I really don't—" But Colin had already selected Harry's name from the list of characters.

"_Asking Ginny?" Hermione raised a skeptical eyebrow and glanced over at Ron. He looked completely clueless, as was usual when it came to anything subtle. _

"Alright," answered Colin, misunderstanding her tone entirely. 

Harry, who was always a little more alert to that sort of thing, particularly where he was concerned, went a rather strange shade of red.

They read the first chapter in silence. Then Ron burst out, "What do you mean, asking _Ginny_ to _marry_ you?! That's my _sister_ we're talking about! What if you had a baby?" His face took on a pained, disgusted look. "Eww, that's just gross!" Hermione rolled her eyes ceiling-ward.

"Hey! _Ron_! Relax! Harry isn't asking Ginny to marry him, it's just a story!"

"Oh, right." Ron sent her a sheepish grin over Colin's head, who was still oblivious to the whole thing. They finished the story, and Hermione gave Harry a smirk that was distinctly reminiscent of Malfoy's. 

"Aww, Ginny said, 'Yes.' How sweet!" she cooed.

Harry blushed an even deeper shade of pomegranate. "'S'not _cute_!" he mumbled incoherently. Ron was rolling on the floor, laughing uproariously. "That was great!" he choked out, between gales of laughter. "Let's get another one!"

"No, let's not," Harry stated flatly, but Colin had already clicked the 'back' button, and had selected the next link on the page:

The 'L' Word 

Harry gets Ron to say the 'L' word. R/H

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**The 'L' Word**

**By: HarryluvsRon**

Harry lay on the bed next to his boyfriend, Ron, absently tracing circles on his darling's back.

"Ron?"

"Mmm…." Ron murmured sleepily.

"Do you love me?" At that, Ron came fully awake.

"Er, I don't—I can't—I mean, I _like_ you, a lot, but I—I don't know if I—well, you know…." He trailed off miserably. Harry moved closer to the redhead lying next to him.

"You can say it, Ron, because I know you do—your eyes betray you," whispered Harry seductively in Ron's ear.

"Rubbish!" answered Ron, unconvincingly. "My eyes do nothing of the sort. And I don't _love_ you—yet."

"I'll make you," responded Harry calmly, as he licked Ron's ear in a sensual gesture of affection. Ron shuddered, enjoying the delicious feeling. Soon, Harry had moved downwards, toward his lover's lip. Ron ******* his head, ******* Harry's **** **** his. Harry expertly ******** his ****** **** ***** ******, ******* and ********* every ***** ** *** ****** *******. Ron ******* *******, as Harry ********* *** **** ** *** ****** **** *** ******. ****** ******** ************* * ***** ****** ******* ******** ************* ***** ******* ****** ****** ******** ************. ********** *************** ******** ************* * *** *** ****** ********* ********************* ** ********* ******* ********* ******* .******* ********** ************** ******************* **** *********** *************** ******** ***************** ******** *** ***** ******** ***** ********** **** *** ******* ****** **** * ***** ******* **** ******** ****** **** ******* ************ ****** *********** ************* ****** ************** ****** ************ ********** ** ** *** ** ***** ***** ** **** ******* ****. (This goes on for a very, very, very long time, in detail calculated to make even the least prudish human cringe.)

Review, review, review, review!

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Hermione was the first to break the stunned silence. "THAT IS ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING! I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU GUYS DO THAT! AND RON, THE NERVE, MAKING ME THINK YOU LIKED ME, WHEN ALL ALONG YOU'VE BEEN WITH _HARRY_ OF ALL PEOPLE!" Hermione yelled loudly, evidently forgetting her own advice.

At Hermione's first piercing shriek, Ron and Harry began babbling senselessly at each other.

"There is no _way_ I'm doing that to you, Ronald Weasley, so don't even _think_ about—"

"I do _not_ like you that way Harry, I'm straight as—"

"—absurd idea, completely repulsive—"

"—hate that. I'm leaving—I'm not associating with—"

"—say 'goodbye' right now, Weasley, because I—"

            Colin looked wildly from Harry to Ron. When they both sprinted off in opposite directions, and Hermione had run away in tears, he said, to no one in particular, "Wow…The famous Harry Potter is fruity. Wait till Parvati and Lavender hear about this!" 

*          ~          *          ~          *          ~          *          ~          *          ~          *          ~          *          ~          *            ~          *

Meanwhile, Sirius had arrived at Hogwarts in an anything but stealthy manner. He had not specified _which_ fireplace he wanted to arrive by, and had stumbled out into the office he least wanted to end up in, and saw in front of him the last person on earth he wanted to see just then—Severus Snape. 

"Oh, no…."

"Black! What are you doing here, especially after that prank you played on me, which I do _not_ in the _least_ appreciate—"

"What prank?" asked Sirius, extremely confused, and choosing to ignore, for once, the nasty tone the Potions Master used when addressing him.

"The prank, you idiot, involving that flat black thing, with the absurd story about me and that bloody _werewolf_ being _lovers_! I would have thought that you would have gained enough sense not to involve others in your stupid jokes, but it would appear that Azkaban taught you nothing," spat Snape contemptuously. Sirius' hackles rose at the false accusation, Remus being called a 'bloody werewolf' instead of being acknowledged as a human being with intelligence and feeling, as well as the mention of his undeserved stay in Azkaban prison.

"I," he shot back, "have neither played, nor planned, a prank on you for the last fourteen years or so! At the moment, I would like to speak to my godson, and/or your pupil, that Malfoy whelp!"

"You keep a civil tongue in your head, Black, or I'll blast it out! If you want to talk to _Potter_," the name was uttered as though it were the worst swear word in existence, "then I suggest you head to the Quidditch pitch. Oh, I forgot—you can't go walking around freely like the rest of us, or you'll end up worse than dead, as you well deserve." Sirius growled at this, but he merely transformed, and tore out of Snape's office.

When Sirius/Snuffles/Padfoot reached the foot of the dungeon stairwell, a person began making his way down. After a moment, Sirius recognized the figure, though the scent was strange. Malfoy! A low growl found its way out of the large black dog's throat. Draco froze halfway down the stairs. As Sirius charged up the stairs, Draco turned tail and, with an ear-splitting girlish shriek, began tearing back up the stairway, the dog hard on his heels.

Sirius chased Malfoy for a long time. Just as Draco was certain that the Malfoy dynasty was likely to come to a gruesome end, the silver-blond haired teenager saw that he had come to an already dead end. He turned, whimpering pitifully, to face his pursuer. Quickly, he darted past Sirius as the Animagus lumbered towards him. Suddenly, he remembered that he had his wand. Why not use it? He turned around again, wand out this time, a spell on his lips. For one reason of another, Draco's curse missed and hit the opposite wall. Sirius had turned himself around by now, and was running back towards Malfoy, skidding on the stone floor. The Slytherin turned yet again, panic over taking him once more. As he fled, Draco wished only for a place to hide. Suddenly, to his left, he saw a small wooden door, that certainly had not been there when he had run past that section of wall the past two times…. Still Draco did not look his given horse in the mouth, and threw himself at the promise of salvation, slamming the door behind him. Spread out before him, an enormous room, full to over flowing with excellent hiding places, coyly invited him to use them. He accepted the invitation without hesitation and hid as fast as he could in a dusty old wardrobe.

Sirius returned to his human form and frowned darkly at the innocent looking wooden door before him. Drat that Room of Requirement. Who knew what the Malfoy brat had been wishing for when he ran in there…. Shrugging, Sirius opened the door and gasped in annoyance at what he saw. It looked like an attic. An attic filled full of trunks, closets, dressing screens, dressers, cabinets—just about everything would serve as a hiding place for a slim teen. The lot was draped with cobwebs, old clothes and covered in dust. In one corner sat an old grand piano, on top of which was a stuffed reindeer. Curious, Sirius made his way over to it, tripping over the junk scattered over the floor. When he finally reached the reindeer, which was wearing a red hat with a bell at the end and a red, faux ermine fur-trimmed, fake-velvet coat, he noticed that there was a message on its hoof/hand. Embroidered on its right—hoof/hand/appendage/thingy—in bright red letters were the words, 'Press me'. Sirius pressed. Instantly, the room began reverberating with the electronic tones of 'Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer'. Sirius, shocked, took several hasty steps back, and fell into a basket of—lacy women's lingerie. After realizing what the soft material he had landed on was, Sirius leapt up with an unearthly screech. In his wardrobe, Draco cowered. The reindeer had now begun disco dancing to 'Frosty the Snowman.' Sirius looked back at it to discover, to his horror, that the right hand of the stuffed Muggle annoyance now read, 'Sirius sucks' in bright green metallic letters. The ex-convict transformed, and Sirius/Snuffles/Padfoot ripped that reindeer to shreds, snarling viciously all the while. In his wardrobe, Draco whimpered for his daddy.

In his dog form, however, Sirius' sharpened hearing caught Draco's sniveling. He abruptly stopped tearing up the stuffed reindeer, which was now a simple pile of synthetic batting, and bounded over the piles of junk to the wardrobe. He transformed back to Sirius and opened the wardrobe. 

Draco screamed so loud, that down in the kitchen, the eggs a house elf was whisking for dinner inexplicably curdled.

Admittedly, Draco did have reason to scream. For one thing, Sirius hadn't bothered to brush his hair. The dark locks, which usually fell sleekly to just about the bottom of his ears, stood up in all directions, a tangled, unkempt mess that rivaled even Harry's on a bad day. He had dark circles under his eyes and had a rather wild air about him from the excitement of tearing up the reindeer. The young Slytherin took one look at the supposed murderer and pushed past him running wildly in entirely the wrong direction for escape. Sirius ran after him, shouting, "Wait, wait, I just want to talk to you for a second." This made Draco run even faster. Unfortunately, in his headlong flight, Draco caught his foot in a hatbox and fell face first into the lingerie Sirius had discovered earlier. When he surfaced again, the boy's head was adorned with a flattering, ice blue g-string, wore a bright purple thong around his neck, and had a creamy-colored lace push up bra in the correct place, though it was not, of course, fastened. Draco picked himself up and shrieked again as Sirius made a move to dive on him. Sirius landed in the same fashion Draco had, the Slytherin in question had turned around and was heading for the door, and when _he_ surfaced, he had a burnt orange silk bra around his neck, several various unmentionables tucked neatly down his collar, and a v-string looped coquettishly around each ear. He took off after Draco again.

*          ~          *          ~          *          ~          *          ~          *          ~          *          ~          *          ~          *            ~          *

Parvati and Lavender were sitting in the Gryffindor Common Room, listening to Colin's tale with wide eyes.

"I don't believe it!" exclaimed Lavender. "Harry can't be gay, I know for a fact that he has a crush on Hermione!"

"No," said Parvati in protest, "He does _not_ like Hermione, he liked that Ravenclaw girl."

"But I thought—" What Lavender thought was never discovered, for Hermione burst through the portrait hole, crying profusely, and tore up the stairs to the girls' dormitory. Parvati and Lavender looked at each other with raised eyebrows, then simultaneously rose, and followed her.

A few minutes later they came down looking grave. 

"It's true—the famous Harry Potter is gay."

The few other Gryffindors in the Common Room gasped.

"No!"

"Impossible!"

"Ridiculous!"

"It's true." Parvati nodded sagely. "Hermione's just told us so."

Colin looked at his watch. "Hey, it's time for lunch!" He ran up to his dormitory and deposited the laptop on his bed. Then he rushed back downstairs to find that everyone else had gone to the Great Hall for lunch, even Hermione; she was leaving through the portrait hole as he came down. The muggle-born Gryffindor hurried after.

Fred, George, Harry, Ron, Draco and Snape were not at lunch, which was beef stew and buttered bread, but no one noticed, for some fifteen minutes after everyone had served themselves, Draco's whereabouts became known to all in a rather violent fashion.

The Gryffindors were shocked when Draco came tearing into the Great Hall, sporting, of all things, women's lingerie. He came running down the hall, a look of utmost terror on his face, screaming like a girly man all the while, and threw himself at Headmaster Dumbledore's feet, sobbing hysterically. If that wasn't disturbing enough, he was soon follow by none other that the escaped criminal, Sirius Black! He came running in after Draco, also decked out in various unmentionables, yelling, "I want to _talk_ to you, that's all! Slow down!" Most people were so confused by this that they didn't know whether they should be fleeing in terror, or laughing their guts out. Chaos erupted in the Great Hall, further helped by Peeves, who somehow managed to get into the Great Hall, and began throwing handfuls of stew at any student he could reach.

Professor McGonagall stood up and started demanding order at the top of her lungs, but she was quickly silenced when Peeves threw a great bowlful of warm stew at her, shouting, "The smarty mouthed Professor should shut up and eat!" Further chaos was added to the mix when Harry, Fred and Remus ran into the hall, followed quickly thereafter by Ron, George and Snape. Snape started yelling at Remus about how he did not want to see him again, he already had a girlfriend, at which Parvati and Lavender squealed excitedly before Peeves shut them up the same way he had silenced McGonagall.

Ron and Harry began yelling all sorts of things along the same lines as Snape, and Fred and George followed suit. Remus stared wide-eyed at Sirius, who had reached Draco before he showed up and was now rolling around on the floor with, and then fainted dead away. Draco, who was clueless as to why all these things were happening to him, was bawling loudly. "Daaaaddy, save meeee! Aiiiiiiiiheeeeee! Waahahahahaaaa!" 

"SILENCE!" roared Dumbledore over the noise. Everyone instantly obeyed. "Now," the Headmaster continued, conversationally as though nothing had happened, "Would Mr. Malfoy and Mr. Black please explain their situation _one at a time_, and then I would appreciate it if anyone else could enlighten me as to what is going on here. Oh, and Flitwick, I would thank you to rouse Mr. Lupin—he seems to have fainted."

Gradually, the whole thing came out.

"Where is this 'laptop'?" asked Dumbledore.

"Umm…In my dormitory, sir," piped Colin nervously.

"Ah, Mr. Creevy. Would you be so kind as to fetch it for me?"

"S-sure, sir," he stuttered, and fairly flew out of the hall. Several minutes later, he returned, panting. "It's gone!"

In the silence that followed this statement, Harry suddenly exclaimed, "My scar!" 

To be continued…


	3. Part III

**HOGWARTS MEETS FF.NET: Part III**

**Disclaimer:** **I am not J.K Rowling, Warners Bros. or a publishing company, and I am in no way affiliated with the aforementioned people or businesses. I do not own the world, the characters or the plot. (I have no idea who owns the plot, but I know I've seen the idea before.) I am not out to offend anyone, merely poking a bit of good-humored fun at various things. Some of the stories mentioned in this fic are real, and I suggest you read them, as they're very good. The more outrageous ones are not real and any resemblance to a real fic or person's author name is unintentional. Flame me if you want, I'll use them to hatch my baby dragon, soon to be named Sheila.  And I could do with a laugh.**

**_Warning_****: contains **hints of D/W— (I'll let you puzzle over that one, shall I?)****

At Harry's exclamation, Hermione hurried over to him, all concern. 

"Oh, Harry, that's bad! Do—"

"Hush!" Harry waved a hand at her, distractedly. He frowned in concentration. "It's—he's happy—very happy; something good has happened."

Dumbledore looked at Harry, and said, "If Mr. Weasley, Mr. Potter, Mr. Creevy, Ms. Granger, Mr. Malfoy, Mr. Lupin, Mr. Black, and Professors Flitwick, Snape and McGonagall would come with me to my office I would greatly appreciate it. The rest of you, return to your Common Rooms, and remain there until your Head of House arrives to tell inform you of what is going on. Prefects…." There was a general scramble as students started to sort themselves by House and find their appropriate Prefects. Those whom Professor Dumbledore had called, made their way to the dais the Head Table rested on. They then gravely followed the professor to his office in silence.

Once there, Dumbledore took out his wand, gave it a wave, and provided seats for everyone.

Slowly, and deliberately, the Headmaster looked at everyone present. "Now. I have heard of this 'FanFiction.Net', and—"

Hermione interrupted him. "Oh, is a Dark Thing? Did V-v-voldemort" –several people cringed— "did he send it?"

"No," answered Dumbledore, looking at her over his half-moon glasses, not in the least perturbed by the interruption. "He did not. Well, he may have had something to do with it, but I assure you, he is not the _source_ of this 'fanfiction'. It is something invented by Muggles, and some of it is very good, and some of it is very bad. Some of it is very dark, and some of it is so outrageous, it's absurd. It's a very nice thing, and quite useful, really. But I digress. Why exactly Harry's scar is causing him pain, I do not know, but it is not because of the fanfiction, I'm sure, though some of those stories are a headache to read, thanks to the lack of the thing the Muggles call, 'a beta-reader'. They are, when competent, very nice indeed.

"Professor Snape?"

The Potions professor looked up. "Yes."

"Do you think you could brew a very large batch of Calming Draught? I think that they are several people who could benefit from it." With that, Dumbledore gave Snape a rather significant look.

"Yes, Headmaster, I could do that easily."

"Excellent. Minerva, I would appreciate it if you would go inform the Gryffindors that there is nothing wrong. I think the perhaps you should cast a universal Cheering Charm, and modify Misses Patil and Brown's memories. We don't need to have anything more than usual in the rumor mill. Severus, you should of course check on the Slytherins, give Mr. Malfoy any necessary therapy, and start that Calming Draught. Filius, you can let the Ravenclaws out of their Common Room, and tell Professor Sprout to inform the Hufflepuffs. That will be all."

Those given tasks filed out of the Headmaster's office, but the Trio and Colin stayed behind.

"If you please, sir," said Colin, "what happened to my laptop?"

"I'm not sure. Perhaps one of the House Elves took it by accident. Why don't you go see?"

"But how do we get to the—"

"Don't worry about it, Colin," said Harry. "I'll show you."

The four Gryffindors made their way to the kitchens. Harry let Colin have the honor of tickling the pear, and it giggled delightedly.

No sooner were they through the door, then they were met by Winky. She was in a great state of panic and was babbling incoherently. Ron and Colin stared at her blankly; Harry looked from the House Elf, to Ron, to Hermione and back again. Hermione was looking intensely into the Winky's big brown eyes, a wrinkle of concentration between her eyebrows. She nodded her head at intervals, making little noises of agreement or alarm.

"Mmhm…he what?...Yeah, why? I should? Got it! Oh, Harry, it's him! And Dobby's gone mad she says, looking for it with him!"

Ron blinked. "Hermione, you've gone bloody raving nutters. You're making about as much sense as the Elf!"

"Don't call Winky 'Elf' Ronald Weasley, or I swear I'll—"

"Don't," interrupted Harry, "just don't. Now, Winky, what's wrong with Dobby?"

"Winky doesn't knows, sir. Dobby and Winky had a nice dinner together, sir, and then Dobby says that he thinks he ought to check on Harry Potter's dormitory. ("Really," Hermione stated indignantly, "Today is his day off!" "Shut it, Hermione! This isn't the time to be discusing House Elf Rights and Policies!") All I knows," Winky continued pitifully, "is he came back with this flat black thing. Then he reads a story to Winky: a terrible story! Nasty Potions Master is doing bad things to Harry Potter, sir, oh yes! Winky tells Dobby to shut the bad black thing and give it to Master Dumbledore, Winky does, sir, but Dobby doesn't listen to Winky. He says, 'Dobby must go to big, bad forest and save Harry Potter from that Slimy Git!' Then he snaps his fingers and Winky doesn't see him anymore!" Here, the poor House Elf dissolved into hysterics again.

"Wait," said Ron, "you and Dobby are dating?"

Hermione thwacked the back of his red head. "Honestly, Ron! If Dobby and Winky want to be Romantically Involved, then—"

"Be quiet, please!" Harry said. "I'm trying to think…. If Dobby is in the Forbidden Forest, I think we ought to tell Hagrid. He'll go help Dobby. Then we can tell Dumbledore, just in case things get sirius."

Ron squinted at Harry. "Harry, I think you just said 'sirius' instead of 'serious'."

"So?" Harry snapped. "It's a sign of HP Obsessionitis."

Ron looked at Hermione. Hermione looked back at Ron. They said slowly, and in unison, "Okay…. Should we call Madam Pomfrey?"

"No! It's nothing a healthy dose of Lord of the Rings won't fix."

"Um…Harry?" Colin looked genuinely concerned. "I don't think that would help."

"Why?"

"Well you _are_ Harry Potter."

"Uh…right. That could slow the treatment down."

{I know; that was completely random, utterly pointless, and highly annoying. I extend my deepest apologies to everybody and-- **To 'everybody's' relief, Dobby stuffs two of his hats in the pestiferous author's note, effectively silencing it.**}

 "HARRY! DOBBY! REMEMBER?"

"Oh, yeah. Sorry," said Harry, looking rather sheepish. "I haven't a clue what got into me…well," he shook his head as though to clear it, "let's go!"

 *         ~          *          ~          *          ~          *          ~          *          ~          *

Once they reached the steps outside the great double doors that led out of the castle, our Trio froze in utter shock at what they saw. Colin, shorter that the others by a bit and a half, bumped into the back of them as they stopped. When he had wriggled his way to the front, he froze too.

Hanging over the Forbidden Forest like a ghastly omen of death, the trademark snake and skull known as the Dark Mark shed its sickly green light over the entire forest. The foursome stared in horror at the sight, paralyzed for half an instant that seemed to hang, breathless, in the air.

Then Hermione stirred. After coming to, she darted back inside the Entrance Hall and tapped her wand to her throat.

"_Sonorus_!_ DEATH EATERS, IN THE FORBIDDEN FOREST, DARK MARK AND EVERYTHING!" Hermione's voice, magnified to ten times its normal volume, was shrill and squeaky sounding. She restored her voice to its usual number of decibels, and turned to Harry, squeaking anxiously, "Oh Harry, Ron, what do we do?"_

"I'm going to face them," said Harry grimly. There was an instant burst of protest from all sides.

"No, you can't—"

"TOO DANGEROUS—"

"Not a good plan—"

"No." Harry was adamant. "I'm going. And you can't stop me."

"Then we're going with you, Harry." Ron looked equally determined.

"Nooo, Harry, you can't! What if—what if You-Know-Who is there?"

"Then I'll fight him Hermione."

"Harry, that's stupid! You—"

"I know it's stupid. But I'm doing it anyway. And you aren't coming!" Without further ado, Harry took off running for the Forest. 

McGonagall's voice echoed through the halls. "All students to the nearest Common Room! Now! It need not be your own, but I demand that all students go to a Common Room, immediately!" Her voice sounded tense.

Without looking at each other, Ron and Hermione ran after Harry.

"But—" Colin sighed, and ran in their wake.

*          ~          *          ~          *          ~          *          ~          *          ~          *

"Alright, wands out everyone," said Harry in a hoarse whisper. "Keep an eye out for anything strange moving nearby. We're going straight into the forest."

They moved off as quietly as they could. The sunlight could only barely filter its way through the trees, and shifting, dappled shadows lay everywhere. Ahead, the Dark Mark's green light was slightly visible.

Soon, the group heard voices. They slowed their pace, and Harry gave a quiet, "Follow me, and do as I do. Whatever happens, try not to be seen unless I say so. Don't stun without permission." Hermione gave a quick, nervous nod. Ron set his jaw, and Colin let out a tiny _meep_ of fear. Harry moved closer to the noises. When he reached them, he dropped to his stomach and cautiously looked out from around the enormous tree he was using as cover.

There seemed to be a large clearing, slightly hollowed out, and in the center, the Dark Mark was branded into the grass and loam. Above the Dark Mark illuminated the scene in addition to the sunlight. In the middle of the clearing, a large group of figures, dressed in black, were huddled around some person who was reading something aloud. Harry could hear it quite clearly, and he listened, unsure of whether to laugh, or scream.

**Love is Poison******

**By: Kara Snape**

** Harry was eating breakfast in the Great Hall, when an enormouseagle owl swept over his head. It dropped a small note in his lap and soared away again. Puzzled, Harry glanced down at the letter. The paper was pink, and smelled vaguely of roses. There was no return name. The black-haired boy looked quickly around to see if anyone was watching, then opened the letter curiously.**

_Dear Harry,_

_I have watched you from afar, and you are lovely._

_I have touched unexpectedly, and I shiver._

_I have longed for you at midnight, and I need you._

_I have loved you long, admired you longer._

_I envy those who can speak to you freely._

_I hate those who have slandered you._

_I would have you know me._

_If you would indeed, look for me by moonlight,_

_Watch for me by moonlight, and I'll come to thee._

_            Signed,_

_                        Your adoring admirer_

Well. What in the world did that mean?

All through lessons that day, Harry was distant and dreamy. Who was this 'adoring admirer'? Was she pretty? What did it mean, 'watch for me by moonlight'?_ All of it was so romantic, and beautiful. _The writer must be a very talented poet_, thought Harry in History of Magic. _

Finally, the day ended, and Harry could go to his dormitory. He sat on the window seat, gazing out over Hogwarts and its grounds, looking for the mysterious admirer. Suddenly, he noticed a dark shape was flying towards his window. When it was nearer, Harry could see that it was a person on a broom. Eagerly, Harry opened the window. The person was hooded and cloaked.

"Get on," whispered the figure to Harry.

"Alright." Without question, Harry got onto the broom in front of the person.

"Who are you?" asked Harry as they flew out over the Forbidden forest.

"Your admirer," said the person.

"Yes, so I guessed, but what is your name?"

"You may call me…Dae."

"Day?"

"It means shadow."

"Oh," said Harry. Suddenly, it occurred to him that he didn't have his wand, he didn't know this person, and he was on the front of this person's broom.

"Great. Just great."

"What's great?" asked the person.

"Uh…." Harry fumbled for an answer. "It's just great finally meeting you, Dae."

"I'm glad you like the experience."

Suddenly, the person began circling downwards, finally coming to rest on the floor of the Forbidden Forest. Once they had landed, 'Dae' threw off his cloak. Harry gasped. "_TOM_?"

"Yeah, it's me."

"W-w-what—how…what are you doing here? I thought you were destroyed or really old or something."

"I was sent forward in time. In 1492, I'm still 16. So, I was catapulted forward. I've been watching you youknow. I love you."

Suddenly, Harry noticed just how beautiful Tom looked, standing there in the moonlight. His dark hair lay in soft waves, his eyes shone with the love he felt for Harry. His skin was pale, perfect, porcelain. Tom licked his lips. Harry watched, mesmerized. The palms of his hands felt sweaty. He swallowed, hard.

"I love you too, Tom."

"Prove it to me…." **(The BSD is now working overtime)**

****** *************** **************** ***** ********* **** *******

"STOP, STOP, STOP!" Lord Voldemort's voice was drenched in cold fury. "HOW DARE YOU! WHERE DID YOU FIND THIS?!"

"O-o-on the w-webs-site, m-my lor, my lord. The one you sent to the Muggle-loving Fool."

"READIN NASTY STORIES ABOUT ME WAS NOT ON YOUR TO-DO LIST, WORMATAIL!" The Dark Lord's voice went sickeningly soft. "Perhaps I ought to show you the to-do list again, Wormtail…."

"No, my lord, please have mercy!" Harry searched for the source of the voice. He saw a woman, red-haired and brown-eyed, dressed in a shockingly revealing scarlet dress, push her way through the other Death Eaters. "Please," she continued, "don' t harm my darling! You've never denied me anything in the past!"

Lord Voldemort stared at the woman in disbelief. "Who in Gindelwald's name are you?"

The woman looked confused. "I'm your daughter, Elysabedh."

"I don't have a daughter, said Voldemort, starting to look far less threatening as he became more and more confused, "and if I did, I wouldn't spell her name like that!"

"How do you know what my name looks like?" asked Elysabedh, now completely bewildered. "And I am your daughter. You married, my mother, Virginia Weasley, remember?"

"WHAT?! Why would I marry that cheap, worthless—" Voldemort trailed off, sputtering. "WHAT IS GOING ON HERE? I have a daughter with a ridiculously spelled name, and she claims that I married, of all people, a Gryffindor, who is some fifty years my junior, and isn't old enough to have a child who now appears to be twenty something!"

Harry was blinking in shock, but he thought that he could perhaps turn this situation to his advantage.

"Hey, yo, dude! Dark Lord dude, over there!"

Voldemort's head whipped around. "Potter! Get him, Wormtail!" Nothing happen. "Wormtail!" Lord Mouldywart, I mean Lord _Voldemort_, turned back to his Death Eaters. They were on the opposite side of the clearing. They had evidently captured something.

It was Dobby. "Where is Harry Potter, sir, where? Slimy Git is hurting Harry Potter!"

"Slimy Git?" Lucius Malfoy was disbelieving. "Who, pray, Elf, is Slimy Git?"

"You are!" Ron said. Lucius spun around and was caught full in the face with a blast of Flobberworm slime from Ron's wand. Hermione darted out of the trees and started firing complicated hexes at everyone in reach. Colin started snapping awkward pictures of various Death Eaters; he transfigured all their clothes into completely inappropriate or out of character things. Wormtail was given a sleek cat suit that accented his fat rolls beautifully. Lucius was, of course a slime model, and our beloved Lord Thingy sprouted snakes for hair in a manner reminiscent of Medusa.

The Death Eater meeting dissolved into total chaos. The Hogwarts students contented themselves with running around the group of Death Eaters, firing, hexes, curse and jinxes every which way. The Death Eaters went into complete panic. Everyone was running into everyone else, tripping over the people they themselves had tripped only minutes before. Dobby was, for one reason or another, under the impression that the whole thing was a party.

"Bad Lucius! Dobby will punish you!" All the while he was setting off tremendous explosions. Of course, the Death Eaters thought that this meant that there was a gigantic army in their midst. They began to shriek.

"Kreacher, sing Bella a song! Waaaaaahahahaaa!" Bellatrix started to cry.

"Calm down, be quiet, everything is under control!" bellowed Lord Thingy/Voldemort/Mouldywart/shorts at the top of his lungs. Dobby snapped his fingers and disappeared in a slight puff of violet scented smoke. The next minute, he appeared on Lord Thingy's shoulders. The House Elf patted the top of the so-called Dark Lord's reptilian head patronizingly. "Don't worry, Voldie-dear, Dobby will take care of everything." With that, he snapped his fingers and disappeared again.

Suddenly, from the edge of the clearing, a blinding white light shone out of the trees. Albus Dumbledore, followed by most of the Hogwarts professors as well as Sirius and Remus, stepped into the clearing. He raised an eyebrow in disbelief at what he saw.

Harry, Ron, Hermione and Colin Creevy were flying around the Death Eaters in a large circle. They had evidently summoned brooms, and while Hermione did not look at all comfortable, she was managing alright at a slow pace. They were shooting various things from their wands, and Colin was trying to fly no handed, so as to curse and take pictures of the Death Eaters at the same time. In the very middle of this turmoil sat Dobby, along with the laptop that had started the whole thing. He was avidly reading something he had found, and sniffling softly.

"_STOP!" shouted Dumbledore above the noise. Everyone froze in whatever position it was in. "Now," continued Dumbledore, "would someone be so kind as to explain what is going on?" His voice took on a mildly exasperated edge. "My school is turned upside down by the contents of a laptop, my students are put into a panic by first a Dark Mark, then a Banshee, my professors lose their minds over a story or two, and now my forest is being occupied by a Dark Wizard! I think I need an aspirin."_

No one spoke for a long while; they were so shocked by the idea of _Dumbledore_ needing an _aspirin_.

"Well, sir," said Lord Thingy penitently, "it was my fault—I'm sorry."

"You're sorry?" burst out Harry indignantly. "YOU'RE SORRY?! Sorry for murdering my mum and dad? Sorry for indirectly putting my godfather in Azkaban because people are too thick to see straight? Sorry for torturing Ginny? Sorry for killing Cedric? Sorry for making Cho a sniveling idiot? Sorry—"

"Hey!" Jo Rowling stepped out of the trees at the opposite end of the clearing. "_I am the one who made Cho a sniveling idiot, just like I made you a suicidal wreck."_

Ron's jaw dropped. "You're a suicidal wreck, Harry, and you never _told_ us? That's not fair!"

"No," said Harry, exasperated, "I'm not a suicidal wreck. Who told you that?" Ron pointed at J.K. "She did."

Rowling rolled her eyes and heaved an exaggerated sigh. "I did _not_ say Harry was a suicidal wreck, just like I never said that Tom was actually a sweetheart, and he didn't mean to kill his father and it's okay if Harry wants to fall in love with him et cetera, even though I don't write homosexual porn. It doesn't matter that I haven't made him a sex god, that he isn't very good at school, is something of a slacker, clueless about girls and everything else. It doesn't matter that Ron obviously likes Hermione, so why would he go out with Parvati, it's obvious that he thinks Luna's a nut, so why would he date her," the woman was starting to get hysterical now, "Draco's a slimeball, so why would he like Ginny _or_ Hermione, and he doesn't even like _Pansy_! Harry thinks Hermione's boring, Hermione has made it clear that she and Viktor Krum aren't an item, so why would they get married, I ask you? My books have good grammar, because I hire a responsible _editor_, and I challenge you: who _likes_ incest? That's just sick, gross, twisted, weird, perverted; you name it, it is! Fred and George are _not_ romantically involved, Draco and his parents _don't_ do those things when they're alone, and never will! What do you think I am? A—a—I don't know. Just—never mind!" Rowling snapped her fingers and disappeared.

Silence reigned once more. Then Lord Volide-dear burst into tears. "I didn't _mean_ to be out of character, I don't _want_ to fall in love with Harry, and I certainly don't want to—" Sirius ran forward and clapped a hand over Lord Voldie-dear's mouth. 

"Not in front of the kids!"

"Oh, right. Sorry."

"Um…." Harry shuffled his feet, uncomfortable at the sight of his arch nemesis in tears. "Maybe we should just go back to the castle and forget about it. I mean, we need a villain, or there won't be any story, you know what I mean?"

"Yeah, I guess so," Lord Voldie-dear agreed. "Er…perhaps this can be that meeting I've been meaning to have? You know, the one where I finally up and kill poor Sevvie?"

"Certainly, Tommy," said Dumbledore kindly. "We wouldn't want to interrupt you. Come along, Harry, Ron, Hermione. And you too Colin. I'm afraid you won't be able to develop your pictures though. It would sort of ruin little Tommy's reputation."

"Alright," said Colin, albeit reluctantly.

The Hogwarts staff and students, minus Severus who stayed behind to fulfill his role as Death Eater spy, walked back to the castle in silence. At the steps, Dumbledore took out his wand. "_Obliviate__!" Everyone took on a mildly vacant expression. Then they came to._

"Gryffindors?" McGonagall said. "To your dormitories. And no more late night excursions."

"Yes professor," chorused they, oblivious to the fact that it was only mid-afternoon. 

*          ~          *          ~          *          ~          *          ~          *          ~          *

Back in the Forbidden Forest, Lord Voldemort was once more in the role of villain. All traces of the skirmish had been removed, and Voldemort was just about to call Severus forward, when he felt a tugging on his robes. Imperiously, he looked down and saw—Dobby, eyes full of emotional tears.

"Dobby didn't know Tommy cared, sir, or Dobby would have come sooner!"

"What do you mean, Elf? I don't care about anything except taking over the world and killing Harry Potter!"

"But, Dobby thought—" 

"What?"

Dobby sobbed harder. "Dobby read here, and Tommy says he _loves_ Dobby, sir, you did. And,"—Dobby was barely coherent now—"Dobby loves Tommy too, sir!"

There was a loud bump, and a moment of silence. Then Bellatrix, eyes still red from crying for Kreacher, said, "I think the Dark Lord has fainted."

As the FrEaKyPlOtBuNnY says, Review Review Reivew! **Grin**

**A/N: Wow! All done. If you like, I have a FAQ page next, where I will put my blatherings about what's real, what's not, and who I am trying not to offend.**


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